


All Alone

by sweetcocoa



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Also apparently she fell into Thorki HARD after Thanos fucked it all up, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Need to cope now kthnxbye, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), The author evidently has issues dealing with death of her all-time fav character, dubiously consensual wedding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-06-25 16:22:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15644469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetcocoa/pseuds/sweetcocoa
Summary: Collection of small Thorki drabbles, because I have finally ventured here, and I'm still coping with my OTP's death.Loosely connected chapters, but each chapters can be read as stand-alone.1. Loki POV - Loki wonders about his brother after his death.2. Thor discovers that Loki may have left behind a beautiful gift (warning for implied Mpreg).3. Sometimes, there are wisps of Loki that Modi sees, and Thor sees through Modi. (mini-E)4. Maybe Loki is gone, and Thor is desperate to justremember.5. Thor wants his dream, memory, or whatever it is, to be realistic.A/N: I have no beta reader(s). I'm attempting to edit it frequently. Also, changed from complete to not, because I seem to keep adding chapters.





	1. Chapter 1

You’d have to say that was the loveliest of the sunsets, but it’s a bit lonely without you here. I guess it’s to say, I’m lost without you. At least almost. 

I don’t want to admit it, really. I don’t think I could ever admit it. Why should I? I pretended to hate you for so long. I think you’d like it here; it’s everything you’d ever wanted. Maybe you’d say it isn’t as good as our old home, but you’d be wrong. It’s even better. I could do whatever I wanted, because I do what I want. To be fair, there aren’t many times in my life that I don’t get to do what I want. 

Or, at least, there were. 

It’s all behind me, and I’m okay with that. There’s an odd peace about that. It’s like I’m always on the edge of the water, edge of our time together and I’m wondering if we’d ever see each other again. 

And even if we don’t, I think I’ll be okay knowing that you will be in a place you’d deserve to be in. 

I’m sure you’d maybe be better off without me. 

I’m sure. 

But then again, I hope you never say that to anyone, because you know, I’m yours and I’d liked to think that you were once mine. 

And it wouldn’t be fair of me or you to deny that. 

I’m okay with this, for now, for being alone, for being without you. And this is how it shall be, forever and forever, and I’m okay with that. Because to me, you were always the good one, always the hero. I’m sure everyone in Valhalla would agree, though I could not hear them anyways. 

In this vast emptiness of Hel or this odd place I’m sent to, all I want is you, all I hear is you, even though you’re not besides me right now.


	2. spirit binding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for implied mpreg and perhaps a non-consensual wedding (Thor marries a dead Loki).  
> Each chapters can be read alone and they are only very loosely connected.

The new Asgard does not have a castle nor a palace, just a small residence for its King. The new Asgard is a small floating thing, above Midgard’s oceans, where no country can claim Asgard as its resident gods. Or demigods.

Thor takes solace in the fact that they do have enough people to even have this land, and to even have an heir to make sure the next generation of Asgardians would have a leader to take them. Asgard isn’t a realm, Asgard is its people. Thor will make sure of it.

The heir – a little boy with blond hair and the most stunning green eyes – never knew his mother, but Thor would make sure that he would get to know Loki. Modi was discovered only after the War was over, when they used the power of the stones to recover all that was lost. Loki was not among them, because he was lost before the snap. What he didn’t know was that Loki had kept secret his own son from Thor. Loki had a suspicion that perhaps Thanos wouldn’t let him escape this time; Loki made sure the babe was sent away with the rest of the Asgardian refugees before Thanos came knocking on their ship. 

One of the older Asgardian woman, who was sent on a smaller escape ship before Thanos showed up, presented Thor with a small boy.

“It was your brother’s wish to keep him safe until the end of the war,” she said. The boy’s green eyes and blond hair was unmistakable. If he couldn’t save Loki, he would save Modi. And remember Loki. 

In his small residence, Thor has created a beautiful enchanted mural of him and Loki, holding a tiny version of Modi. In the mural, Loki is depicted as the co-regent of Asgard, a title he never held in his life. But Thor took solace in the fact that he was posthumously awarded the title. As Thor’s husband. With help of a simple seidr, Loki’s form would shift between that of a Jotun, and his Aesir appearance. Modi likes both of Loki’s forms, and sometimes, his skin turns to match his own mother’s. Thor’s never been so proud, and often wonders what Loki would say if he saw his son now. He wouldn’t hide how proud of Modi he was, probably. 

Thor had little time on his hands post-War – after all, he had mouths to feed, lands to care, people to console – but he took the little time he had and squeezed a wedding out of it. The ceremony wasn’t big. It was just Thor and Loki. Or the idea of Loki, at least. He had so little to remember Loki by. There weren’t big or beautiful words, just silence and a simple confession of love and devotion, until Thor’s time was over. Thor wonders and wishes and hopes that this wedding will last for all of eternity, and they will finally celebrate as they should have when Thor finally kisses Loki within Valhalla. 

Surely, Thor will meet him. 

And oh, Modi was sleeping soundly in Thor’s arms as he spoke about Loki to Modi, whispers like a lullaby of some lost civilization, barely audible. Maybe Thor was weeping, because it was even too painful to admit that Loki – his brother, lover, and now husband – was truly lost for all. 

But that wouldn’t last forever, and for now, all Thor could do was make sure to raise the gift that Loki had given him for the last time to be the best king that Asgard has ever seen. When he meets Loki again, there would be so much to talk about and to Thor, that’s the only thing that brings him to smile despite everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea would not let me go, so I had to write it.


	3. never done apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, maybe sometimes, he comes back.  
> But it maybe just hope-filled illusion.

Thor likes to pretend that Loki is still around, holding onto him. Smiling with him. Giving him advice. Raising Modi together. 

He doesn’t like the reality, where he’s alone in taking care of Asgard and Modi. So he closes his eyes and visualizes his lover, brother, and husband. In his little world, Loki is ever-perfect, his eyes still the same shade of lovely green, that reminds him of his mother’s gardens. Modi’s eyes remind him of Loki so much - just so, so much. 

Sometime, in his moments of chosen delusion, he swears he can feel Loki’s seidr. An impossibility, but he just hopes that it’s something that will last, even just another second, because he can pretend Loki is still alive, and still within arm’s reach. 

In those days, dreams with Loki in his arms kissing him and even giving him -- Thor’s mouth curves when he remembers those pleasant sensual moments. Loki’s pretty little mouth on Thor’s cock and the little noises he would make when he takes it all in with stride. 

Thor likes to work with Modi in a corner of the room, or even just in his peripheral view,just outside his office. There are many visitors throughout the day - political advisors, Asgardian citizens, even some foreign dignitaries or Avengers - and Thor doesn’t mind much that Modi is beloved by all of them. There are moments when he is pitied by some -- he still remembers Tony being bold enough to tell him so -- as if Thor had lost his mind and claimed any orphan as his own child. He scoffs inwardly but politely smiles to them. As if Thor wouldn’t recognize his own child. As if Thor wouldn’t recognize their child. 

He does so only when Modi feels too moody and won’t let anyone else nearby. Modi has these little ‘Loki-moments’. But that makes Modi even more lovable. He recognizes his little brother’s more innocent times when Modi does things like these and it just makes him miss Loki that much more. Days like these, while he tucks in Modi, he tells of Loki’s story. How he used to be. How much Thor loved - no, loves Loki. 

Sometimes -- but only sometimes -- out of the corners of his eyes, when everyone else has gone, he sees Modi babbling to someone gleefully. But the strange thing is, Thor knows that no one else is home. It’s just him and Modi. When it first happens, Thor waves it off as Modi’s imaginary friend.

Then it happens twice.  
Then a third time.  
It happens often enough for it to be simple mere coincidence or an imaginary friend. Because, sometimes, out of Modi’s incoherent babbles, he hears -- 

“Mama!”

He quiets his breath and sees Modi happily call out his mother, someone who wasn’t there. But when Thor notices Modi, Modi brings his pointer finger to his mouth, smiles, and looks confused, as if looking around for someone who has disappeared into thin air. Thor never sees anyone, but he recognizes the shushing motion; he can only hope that Loki would do something like that for him, and he aches and aches for a dream. 

Loki always appears during nights like that; dream-Loki is eager to please and full of love those nights. 

Midgardian vows for weddings included the phrase, “‘til death do us part”, but Thor believed that he and Loki shared more love that would go beyond their deaths. Even now, Thor holds in his heart that Loki is quite literally watching over their little family. He doesn’t know why Loki never meets him and Modi at the same time, but he thinks dreams maybe the only way Loki can connect with him.

Either way, death isn’t the end, and Thor will _will_ it so that it never has to be an end.  
Until then, he and Modi share wisps of their loss, waiting for Loki’s faint presence in their fragile little world.


	4. and the sun shall rise again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is gone, or is he?  
> Thor's memories fade and Loki seems to be gone.  
> What can Thor do to hold onto Loki?

and the sun shall rise again

Centuries pass by, Loki’s presence as faint as it always had been. The dreams grow infrequent, and Thor is robbed of his peace, but to his people, he is just king; to his son, he is a warm father. Their Midgardian friends grow old and die, the humans quite small in their mind yet able to achieve much. The floating nation is still there, watching the fascinating picture change rapidly before their eyes. Their land grows, because the population grows. But growth of the populace isn’t what’s satisfying. Their people also thrive. To have the hopeless and desperate people turn into a life that has semblance of sanity and prosperity within just a few centuries, is something Thor is immensely proud of. Sometime he tells dream-Loki everything he is proud of, and dream-Loki only smiles and kisses Thor. He swears he can feel those kisses, light as a feather and wispy as a ghost. 

He wonders why Loki cannot just come forward and talk to him, and it drives him mad. It just makes Thor dig into his work more. There’s always more to be done. The Asgard now is no longer quite as “new” - there are multiple cities, instead of a shabby little town they had. He takes care to go and visit each one of the cities and even the countryside when he has time. 

Thor knows that he is no wise king, but he tries. He wonder if Odin ever had to struggle with the thoughts of being an insufficient ruler. He actually wonders briefly if Loki ever did, before shutting the thought out with a minuscule smile. But what he knows is that he cannot be the king forever. So Thor teaches Modi everything - the darkest corners of Asgardian history, its faults and glory. Of Bor, of Bestla, of Odin, of Frigga, of Hela, Ragnarok -- and of course, of Loki. He tells of tales that seem too fantastical to be true, and sometimes Modi looks at him as if in disbelief, but Modi listens and learns. History is important, he once heard a Midgardian diplomat say, for they tell us of future. 

Modi grows up to be a fine young man, still in his youth. Perhaps Thor’s youthful brash nature was soothed by Loki’s more calculating and calm one in Modi; Modi is a brave and calm boy, still in the face of difficult dignitaries from different realms and Midgardian nations alike. Modi occasionally gives out advices and insights and Thor finds himself pleasantly surprised by how much Modi has grown. 

Modi is working on a diplomatic issue that came up with a foreign realm, when trouble strikes. Although the original Avengers team have been dead for centuries, their progeny, he supposes, have lived on. There are always new mutants and enhanced humans who vow to protect Midgard, their beloved realm. 

Thor hasn’t been on the front lines quite as often, mostly because Midgardian villains have been petty enough to be foiled by their heroes. He no longer feels the same sort of bond as he did those many centuries ago. 

But there is a sudden alien invasion - it almost hauntingly parallels Loki’s invasion - on New York City. Thor somehow feels obliged to participate and save them. What he doesn’t know is that Modi quietly leaves an illusion of himself on Asgard and follows Thor.

The battle is heated and the thousands of alien goons strike at the Avenger-progenies and Thor. It isn’t until it’s nearly too late that Thor sees Modi, heading directly towards the main villain, and sees Modi struck down by the alien queen. Thor’s heart almost stops and Thor rushes with Stormbreaker to save them, but the queen is much too fast and reaches for them both. It feels like death, and they expect to land in Valhalla next. Thor secretly hopes it is. He may not want Modi to leave this plane, but he would be glad to see Loki again. 

Thor feels it then, in the depths of almost-death, Loki’s calming seidr over his and Modi’s body, as if wrapping them in a safe cocoon. Thor is in midst of the battle, and he shouldn’t be held back by such sentiment, but he can feel a small pool of tears form in both of his eyes. 

The flash saves them and Thor takes the chance to defeat the evil queen -- the hive melting away to nothing once their heart is gone. Thor almost wishes for their deaths. 

That’s the last time they ever feel Loki’s presence. Although infrequent, it had never stopped for decades upon decades. Decades turn into centuries, centuries turn into a whole millennia. Thor is still quite bitter that Loki hasn’t shown up in what feels like forever, but he supposes there must be a good reason. He still resents the fact that Loki isn’t even in his dreams anymore. Only if, only if. The memories fading away are the most frightening. Because memories are the only thing that remains for Thor, right? Modi is a good reminder, but Modi isn’t enough. No one _can_ be enough to replace Loki. 

It becomes some sort of strange obsession for Thor; the act of remembering. So Thor holds on, his memories fading fast, in one way that he could hold on. He write about Loki and all their encounters, at least the ones that he can recall. 

It’s been so long, but he writes whatever he can. He’s never wanted to learn how to manipulate seidr like Loki this bad in his long life. If only he could conjure up images of Loki, both beautiful and painful. Dreams had been long gone and the only image that remains is in his small dwelling that he first used when new Asgard was still _new_. 

The enchanted mural, their vow that Loki could not say yes to. 

Thor only goes in front of the mural when he fails to contain his longing heart. He then _remembers_. He remembers that the sun never did shine on them. He wants to curse the sun, burn it out for all of eternity, because it broke _their_ promise. 

He pretends it is enough to just see Loki’s face again, even if it’s just a poor depiction.  
But he knows it not to be true. 

-

Loki is not entirely sure what he expected when he squeezed out the last of his seidr to protect Thor and Modi. He supposes he was waiting for nothingness, the complete destruction of self, not the shell of presence he can maintain to Thor and Modi. Even those are sparse, but in deed, it does make him marginally happy in this eternal dusk he found himself in. 

He found that he could get into touch with them if he could control the tiny amount of seidr he can faintly feel in his not-body. It’s never a full appearance; sometimes it’s just a dream or a whisper or an invisible presence. It takes a lot out of him and it’s something very difficult to do, but it was worth the moments he could. 

But when he gave it all to protect the two beings he loved the most - perhaps even more than his own mother - he never expected Valhalla. 

The soft voices of Frigga and Odin welcome him. Apparently it’s the death after death that finally makes him reach there. 

“Mother, am I…?”  
“Yes, dearest.”

Her soft smiles and her soft hands against Loki’s skin tells him that it’s reality.

“Mother, I…”  
“Darling, we have an eternity to talk,” she softly murmurs into Loki’s breaking voice, hugging his shaking shoulders.

“You have done very well, my son.”

Odin’s approval is literally the last thing he expects, but there it is.

“You have continued Asgard and it was through your efforts that Modi can now become the king that Asgard truly deserves.”

Loki doesn't think he should feel vindicated by it, but he does; in fact, Valhalla is all golden and all peace, everything he’s not felt in the hundreds and thousands of years he lived and not-lived. 

All he can now do is wait patiently for Thor, and Loki is okay with that. He had expected worse, but to see him again… he is truly thankful to the Norns that have woven his end here. Now he will quietly wait for Thor; a small smile rises on his lips - he can almost imagine all the tales that Thor will tell him once they meet again, and he knows it to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for reading this. I honestly didn't think I'd write this much or this far. This pairing really has stepped deeply into my heart and to the readers who left comments or kudos, I cannot truly thank you enough.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you!


	5. dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor wants to dream realistically. 
> 
> A/N: Done for #Thorki_all_in_60min because I'm always late to it. Also done for self-care because the entire world from politics to personal life is attempting to sabotage me. Thorki is my love and my sugary snack addiction, so here I am again. Also, my understanding of human biology or really human anything is literally at sub-middle school level, so don't expect it to be correct.

Thor is an old man. Old god, to clarify. Through his career in new Asgard, he was revered for his work as both a diplomat and a ruler. He isn’t worshiped as a god should be worshiped, but he is held in highest regard. 

He wants to retire soon, and he knows Modi is more than ready, but Modi has refrained from taking over the throne until Thor died or abdicated. Thor is more than ready to do either of the choices soon. The only reason he hasn’t done so is that without keeping himself busy, he fears that his loneliness and longing for Loki would drive him mad. But he feels that he has found a solution for his madness. He hopes that the meeting will be fruitful. 

Imagine Reina’s surprise, then, to find a god at her office. She had her assistant set something up, but since her assistant was often forgetful, sometimes there weren’t names in the schedule. She should make sure her assistant is more careful in the future. 

“Your Highness,” the young CEO gasps. She’s but an ordinary human, compared to an actual god, no matter how successful she is; Reina’s face is flustered. Her assistant was _so_ going to get fired for this. 

Thor’s lined face creases. He hopes that it looks benevolent.

“I have heard that there’s a neat new technology that you have brought to market -- I believe it’s about manipulating your memories so that you can dream what you’d like?”

“Yes, your highness. Castr is the product you’re talking about, I believe. It manipulates brain waves and reaches out to the synapses that cover your dearest and nearest memories. The control isn’t quite perfect yet, but it isolates the portion of memory you’d like and it allows you to replay a part of it. It’s not a long part, though. I haven’t yet adjusted it to be longer than a few minutes.”

“That’s quite enough for me. Would you allow me to try it? And perhaps purchase it?”

Reina looks thoughtful at Thor’s request. Her eyes slightly glaze over as if to search for right words, and her lips purse before picking the right words to say. 

“You are more than welcome to try it, but I’m not sure how the purchase would work -- we only have centers here in this city for now, since it’s on a trial run, and I’m not comfortable having centers outside this country yet. We don’t know the long-term effects of using it, yet. I’m also not sure if Asgardian physiology would allow my invention to work on you as well…” 

“I’d still love to try it, if you’d allow me,” Thor insists. He can’t let this go. He’d have an opportunity to dream of happier days gone by and he’d be in control to pick the happiest one. He’s been desperate for it. He asked the few seidrmadr left in new Asgard to come up with a solution for his loneliness and none were quite successful. It wasn’t until a few days ago he’d even heard of a technology even remotely similar to what he dreamt of. The lead came from a foreign dignitary's teenage daughter dreamily bragging to his grandchildren - Modi had married a young woman from Vanaheim several centuries ago and they had begotten 5 children - that she’s met some famous pop star before and replayed the memory on Castr. She had squealed that it was her best memory that she got to play over and over and suggested to the two youngest grandchildren that they should join her next time. Modi nor the grandchildren seemed too enthused about it, but Thor was stricken with the idea and searched for this “Castr”. He used his influence to even set up a meeting with its CEO. 

“Alright, your highness -- we’ll get you started. Lisa, take over for me while I guide my guest to the Castr machine at our labs,” Reina commands as she guides the old god gently to her R&D site. 

Once Thor arrives at the machine, he’s interested to know that this human-concocted cocoon is rather rudimentary compared to Asgardian technologies - which has improved in the last several millennia that they had been over Midgard - yet is able to do something that their advanced technology or seidr were unable to do. 

“Before you go in, please concentrate on the memory you’d like to visit. This will strengthen your connection and let Castr be more involved with the memory to replay it,” Reina calmly says. She sees the longing in the god’s eyes and knows this is some way for him to find what’s lost. She’s seen it many times in other elderly clients. 

“Will I be able to choose precisely the moment?”

“Somewhat -- it really depends on how vivid the memories are, though. From it, it will construct a realistic portrayal of the memory - sights, sounds, touch, whatever it may be.” 

So Thor chooses a moment that he’s loved Loki the most - but he has so many moments, so the only fear he has is that it will be a jumbled mess. But then again, any memory with Loki will be welcome. All he has right now are faint outlines of Loki and an unquenchable loneliness that reverberates within his soul. 

“Yes, I will.”

He closes his eyes and tries to remember. 

In a flash, he’s transported back to a moment in time, when he was much happier than now. This was shortly before Thanos had ruined everything. A short respite filled with love. 

Loki in this memory is slightly tired, effects of Hela’s attack, probably. He and Thor had both been taking care of the remnants of the kingdom, and they’re both thankful that they’re able to do _something_ to help their small population. 

“Brother,” Thor’s lips move and says, but it’s not really Thor of the current time. He is far too young from who he is now.

“Yes, my king?” Loki faithfully replies, and this Loki is young, far too young than Thor is now. Thor drinks in the sight. Loki is as beautiful as ever, slightly angular, pale face with the loveliest of green eyes and kissable, thin lips. 

“Nothing, just… I’m glad that you are here.”

Loki doesn’t say anything in return, but walks over to Thor, and they embrace. Thor remembers why this is his happiest moment. For the first time in their lives, they both recognize and embrace their feelings. Perhaps not open to others, but they’re honest to themselves, and that’s what counts. 

If the memory goes right, they kiss. The memory goes right. 

The kiss feels real, far too real, and Thor wishes the moment and memory would last forever. But nothing perfects lasts forever, and the memory is over before things get carnal. He feels pure love and bliss over the happiest moment in his life.

When he wakes up from his blissful memory, old and wrinkly as he ever were. He smiles, but worn blue eyes betray tears. 

Reina doesn’t ask how it was, because she sees it in the god’s eyes. Old and worn they were, but they showed nostalgia and love. It was a bit sad, really. 

In his long life, he’d do anything to trade all that away for a moment with Loki again. And he knows that ever breath he takes is closer to his death, and he’s all the more welcoming of his death, whenever it may come. If Loki is waiting in Valhalla for Thor, he’s more than ready for death. 

Until then, he has this.

This moment.

“I will visit again if I need to,” Thor says. Reina nods along. Thor lifts his Stormbreaker and disappears to new Asgard. For now, he thinks of ways to thank the foreign dignitary's daughter that let him know of reliving his fondest memories as a realistic dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who reads this, and I'm so, so surprised that this has over 100 Kudos and several comments. I cannot thank all of you enough.


End file.
